Boomer Winfrey  

Varmint Co. Correspondent

It may seem sometimes that the characters featured in my Varmint County tales never age, or grow older very slowly. Sadly, this isn’t a comic strip and our heroes do in fact grow older with the years. This fact was brought home to me at one of Doc Filstrup’s weekly poker parties a couple of months back.

“Boys, have you noticed that we’re not gettin’ any younger?” former Sheriff Smoky asked, addressing himself to no one in particular.

“What makes you think that, Sheriff? Is Belinda thinking about tradin’ you in on a newer model?” Archie Aslinger asked to a chorus of laughs.

“Archie, you old fool, what time do we start folding our hands and heading home?”

“Well, it’s getting on to midnight so this will be my last hand, win or lose,” Archie replied.

“Uh huh. We used to play cards ’til the last of us was tapped out and somebody went home with the pot, usually not before three or four in the morning.”

“Well boys, I don’t know about you but I still have to work for a living. I have to convene court at 8:00 A.M. tomorrow,” Judge “Hard Time” Harwell pointed out. 

“Judge, don’t be laying that ‘have to work for a living’ stuff on us. You socked away enough years ago to retire and you know it. You just plain enjoy sitting up there on that bench,” retired Judge Hugh Ray Jass said.

“That’s true, fellows. I do enjoy dispensing justice,” Hard Time responded with a wide grin. “But it is getting harder to keep up with all those fast talkin’ lawyers. Sometimes I find myself just zoning them out when they start objecting to this and objecting to that.”

“Can I point that out the next time you overrule my objection?” Philbert McSwine asked.

“Philbert, if you do, I’ll find you in contempt and sentence you to eating my wife’s cooking for two weeks,” Hard Time sneered.

“Well, it’s a fact that we’re not gettin’ any younger,” Doc suddenly announced. “Look at us. Smoky, Archie and Hugh Ray are all pushing 70. I’ll be 85 my next birthday and my son Clyde just attended his 50th high school reunion.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a point Doc, you old farts have all got one foot in the grave and the other one on a banana peel,” Coach B. O. Snodgrass laughed. 

“I feel like a baby in this crowd and I’ve been coaching for 30 years now.”

“So we’re all gettin’ older. That beats not gettin’ older,” Hugh Jass observed. “Besides, what can we do about it?”

“There’s one thing we could do,” Doc replied. “Road trip!”

“Oh no you don’t,” Sheriff Smoky cried out. “Last time we all took a road trip together we ended up robbed and lost in Mexico and had to hire some coyotes to smuggle us back across the border before our wives found out we were there.”

“That wasn’t the last time, Smoky. Remember that deep sea fishing trip a few years back. That didn’t end up so badly, did it?” Archie added.

“Nah, nobody got arrested or lost but I recall we were all frustrated because them danged wildlife people in Florida has done gone and put some serious size limits on grouper and snapper! Why, a feller can’t bring home a decent catch, anymore.”

“Yeah, if old Elijah Haig hadn’t been with us, we wouldn’t have caught anything we could keep,” Clyde Junior recalled.

“Was Elijah the only one who caught anything?” Lawyer McSwine asked.

“Nah, we all caught plenty of fish just under the 30-inch limit. The captain made us toss ’em all back until old Elijah grabbed one, broke its back and stretched it out to 35 inches. From that point on, every time we’d hook a fish, we would pass it to Elijah and he would ‘stretch it’ for us,” Sheriff Smoky chuckled.

“What did the captain say?” B. O. asked.

“What would you say to somebody who could break a 30-inch grouper in half with his bare hands? The captain just mumbled, ‘Nice catch’ each time,” Smoky replied.

“OK, so where would YOU suggest we go for this senior citizen road trip?” Hard Time asked Doc.

“Judge, there’s only one place where we can go fishing and legally land a decent catch, go gambling at night, and find a decent bottle of rum–  Cuba!” Doc exclaimed. “They’re about to legalize tourism to Cuba again. I can remember going down there to the casinos in the 1950s. Havana was a rocking place.”

“No way. This gang is not going to Cuba. We would all end up in prison for espionage, sabotage or generally creating a nuisance. The U.S. is just beginning to thaw out relations with Cuba and I don’t want to be responsible for undermining our nation’s foreign policy!” Judge Harwell proclaimed.

“OK gentlemen, Cuba is out. How about the Bahamas? That place is almost as close as Cuba and there ain’t no commies. Just casinos, deep sea fishing and plenty of rum punch,” Doc suggested. “You gentlemen up for another road trip before we all get too old to cut the mustard?”

“We’re already too old to cut the mustard but I’d kind of like to have one last fling together,” Smoky agreed. “Besides, Nassau has plenty of duty-free shops so our wives can leave us alone and have fun blowing our life savings, while we fish and carouse. Let’s do it!”

And so, dear readers, it was that Doc, Smoky, Hugh Ray and Archie agreed to one last fling to the land of Junkanoo parades, James Bond movies and conch chowder. 

Hard Time Harwell postponed two murder trials to join the fun, while youngsters Stanley the Torch Aslinger, Lawyer McSwine, Coach B. O. Snodgrass and Clyde Junior also signed on for the trip.

Finally, yours truly was invited to tag along to chronicle and record the trip for posterity. Old Elijah Haig was also invited, the boys recalling how useful he had proven to be on their previous fishing trip.

“I don’t know, boys. I ain’t been out of the country since the big war. I don’t even have the papers I need,” Elijah protested.

“Grandpa, it would be good for you to see something new. I’ll help you apply for a passport and we’ll get Judge Harwell to have it expedited,” Penny Haig told her grandpa.

“I’ll go but only if you come along, granddaughter. I need you to help me remember which of these danged pills Doc’s got me on, and when to take ’em,” the old man proclaimed.

And so, dear readers, stay tuned next month to find out if any of our heroes survive, if the Bahamas survive or if the whole crowd gets lost on the high seas and ends up in a Cuban jail, anyway.